Your baby’s sleep is not a reflection of your parenting!
When you have a new baby, people love to share comments and ask questions. Often, it’s well meaning, but even well-meaning interactions can cause unintended stress.
Maybe you heard some of these questions in the early days with your little one…
“Is your baby a good baby?”
“Is your baby a good sleeper?”
“Is your baby sleeping through yet?”
These questions start almost immediately. Innocent, well-meaning questions that set up completely unrealistic expectations. Simple questions that cause so much self-doubt and anxiety over whether you are doing something wrong or if there’s something wrong with your baby.
Pause for a moment to reflect on how those questions make you feel. Do they build up your confidence? Do they help you tune into your baby’s needs? I bet not for most parents.
Our society links good babies to how little effort they take and how well they sleep.
Then, our culture goes one step further and makes parents feel as though their baby’s sleep is somehow a reflection of how good of a parent they are. The responsibility and blame we place on parents for how their children sleep is significant.
This is not true! This is seriously damaging!
Setting aside the concept of a good baby at all (that’s a post for another day)…
Your baby’s sleep is not a reflection of your parenting!
Your child’s sleep is not a success or failure of your parenting! You are a good parent no matter how your baby sleeps!
Your child wakes because it’s normal for young children to wake.
They wake because of development and emotional and physical needs. They may wake more or less than other children because of genetics, temperament, or health challenges. They may wake because our culture isn’t very sleep friendly, and the demands of modern life are far from what our bodies expect.
It is normal for your baby to wake at night. It is normal for them to need support to fall asleep. It is normal for them to sleep better close to you.
You cannot control your baby’s sleep.
Sleep is involuntary and not in anyone’s conscious control. A parent’s role isn’t to force or micro-manage a child’s sleep, but to set up conditions that support sleep. The goal is to create an environment where your child is tired, relaxed, and feels safe and secure in order to sleep well. And well for a baby includes some amount of waking.
There are likely things you can do to adjust your environment, routines, or approach if reducing waking is your goal. Sleep is complex and influenced by many factors across the whole 24 hours. No one does everything in the most sleep supportive way. I can think of several things in my own house that we could improve, but we don’t because we are ok with how our kids sleep. Even if there are lots of things that you could improve, your child’s sleep is still not a reflection of how good of a parent you are!
You are a good parent!
Your child’s sleep reflects their unique self, needs, and capabilities in this moment of development.
When the guilt and self-doubt take over, practice saying to yourself
“I’m a good parent.”
“I am not responsible for how my baby sleeps.”
“My role is to support sleep not control it.”
If you are feeling like a failure or less than a great parent because of your baby’s sleep, then let me help you shift your mindset and improve sleep. Schedule a free family sleep intro call and let’s talk about how I can help you feel confident about sleep and parenting.