Steps to Self-Regulation in Tough Parenting Moments
For many parents I talk to, these first months of 2022 has felt like a whole year of stress and overwhelm all on its own. To be truthful, we’ve been feeling that way in our house as well. When life is hard, when sleep is hard, when our children’s behavior is hard, the most important thing we can do is focus on self-regulation. That’s you, the parent, regulating your own emotions so you can show up in a calm, well-regulated state to support your baby or toddler.
The importance of self-regulation in parenting
Self-regulation is the key to responsive parenting. It is the single most important factor in coregulating our babies and toddlers when their emotions are big, messy, and running high. Emotions are contagious. Young children absorb our energy and emotions, reflecting them back to us. We can share our calm, or share our upset.
In my sleep work, I talk a lot about coregulation and attunement as necessary for responsively supporting sleep. The basis for both of these is parent self-regulation.
Now, I’m not saying this is easy. In fact, I think it’s the most challenging thing you do in parenting. Every single parent I’ve ever spoken with has self-regulation work to do, because it’s a journey and life-long process.
Babies and toddlers can not regulate their emotions.
They need to borrow our more mature self-regulation skills and nervous system to help regulate theirs. That’s what coregulation means. If we can’t regulate ourselves, we can’t help our children regulate.
In this post, I’m sharing a 5 step process for helping you self-regulate that I learned from my mentor Dr. Laura Markham, the founder of Peaceful Parenting. This is a framework you can use when you are struggling to regulate whether it’s bedtime battles with your sleep fighting baby, frustration at one more wake up, or your toddler pushing all your buttons.
5 steps to Self-regulation when sleep and parenting are hard
Step 1. Stop, drop, breathe.
This is a wonderful mantra from Dr. Laura. Stop what you are doing or saying. Drop your agenda. Breathe. A slow deep breath to try and reset.
Step 2. Notice the sensations in your body.
This brings your conscious awareness to the present moment and makes it less likely that those sensations will overwhelm you and take charge.
Step 3. Create safety for yourself.
Talk to yourself with self-compassion. Mantras or affirmations can be very helpful here. Here are a few to consider:
“this is not an emergency“
they aren’t giving me a hard time they are having a hard time”
“I am enough”
“This is hard. I can do hard things.”
“kids do well when they can”
“I choose love”
And here are a few more baby sleep specific mantras: https://intuitiveparentingdc.com/blog/2021/1/27/nighttime-parenting-affirmations
Step 4. Calm your body.
There are many simple calming strategies you can use. Finding a few that work for you and practicing them regularly can be really helpful. Slow, deep breathing is a basic and highly effective option. Breathe in through the nose and out through your mouth, extending the exhale longer then the inhale. Providing other sensory input can also help - run your hands under some water, take a drink, give yourself a hug.
Step 5. Shift your perspective.
Try and see things from your child’s perspective. Being able to see both sides of the situation, yours and your child’s, will help you extend empathy and compassion to you both. Circling back to “kids do well when they can.” Can be a good reminder.
In some cases this is enough, and you can move forward soothing your baby or reconnecting with your toddler. If you have a child old enough and the situation makes sense, suggest a do over.
If you are still too dysregulated to move forward, find a way to take a break.
This could mean stepping away to continue to calm yourself. Maybe that means putting baby down in a safe space, handing them off to another adult if one is around, or maybe it needs to be a stroller walk while you listen to something calming. Your toddler may need another adult to take charge, or a quiet activity to give you the space you need.
If it’s your toddler pushing limits, wait until you are calm to address any limit setting or discuss the situation. Acting from a place of anger, frustration, and upset will likely not go in the most peaceful, supportive way.
Self-Regulation is Key
We do our best parenting when we respond rather than react. Self-regulation is key. Emotion regulation is both essential to parent responsively and a challenging life long process. I loved learning this way of framing the process from Dr. Laura, and I hope these steps provide some structure and guidance for you.