How to support a nursing parent with nighttime parenting
Sharing nighttime parenting sounds like a great way to approach caring for your little one, and yet it often doesn’t end up working in practice for many families. There are so many reasons why the nighttime parenting might fall on one parent more than the other. In nursing families, I find this to be even more likely. Baby wants to nurse and only wants that parent. Attempts by their other parent to soothe and comfort them are loudly rejected!
Sharing night time parenting is complicated for breastfeeding families
If you are the nursing parent doing all or most of the nighttime parenting, you may have a whole lot of mixed emotions. You may love the closeness of those quiet, snuggly feeds in the middle of the night or feel touched out. You may love feeling needed while also wanting some more freedom and to share the effort with your partner. You may cope ok with disrupted sleep or be desperately tired.
If you are the other parent in this dynamic, it’s easy to feel helpless. To want to support your partner, but to have no idea how.
There are 2 paths of support here.
Here are some tips for actually sharing nighttime parenting and tips to provide more rest and space to the parent doing all of the nighttime parenting.
Sharing the nighttime parenting duties
The likelihood of your child accepting either parent at night depends on their temperament. If you think your child might accept both parents in nighttime care with the right approach, here are a few things to try.
Make sure parent and child have one-on-one alone time during the day. This gives them time to bond and comfort through the normal ups and downs of life. Sleep is a very vulnerable time so it’s unlikely a baby or toddler will accept comfort from a parent who they are rarely on their own with during the day.
Spend some time including both parents in the bedtime routine. This allows your little one to associate falling asleep with both parents.
Try having the easiest nap of the day with this parent. Again, giving them practice to work out their own falling asleep routines.
Pick the easiest wake up to resettle, and one where nursing isn’t a huge focus, and see if you can switch parents. This will work better if your child has some other soothing tools, they are comfortable with for sleep besides nursing. You can always try a bottle to keep the feed to sleep comfort but remember that you’ll need to pump so this may or may not actually save effort.
Give them time. It takes time for something to feel like a regular part of the routine. If you only ever try sporadically, it feels new each time. I’m not suggesting you push through if your baby is stressed, but just keep giving some of these tips a chance to work. Know that it may take longer and more energy at first.
Other ways to support your nursing partner
Even with the best tips, not all children at all ages are going to gently be nudged into accepting both parents overnight. I work with many families who find that it’s more stressful than they are comfortable with and prefer to find other ways to support the nursing parent.
Even if your little one won’t accept overnight support from both parents, they may still take a nap or fall asleep at bedtime with either parent. It’s worth trying. This can shift some of the sleep responsibilities between parent, creating some much-needed breathing room.
Carve out more sleep or rest time for the parent doing all the nighttime parenting. Some of my favorite ways to do this are taking the little one when they wake early in the morning to allow your partner a few extra hours of sleep. An alternative is to support your partner to go to bed early while you wear your little one or snuggle with them while they sleep. Even babies who only want their nursing parent overnight will sometimes go for this.
Encourage napping! It takes support from a partner to really prioritize naps. Whether it’s naps with baby or naps while baby is awake and playing, napping can be a great way to feel more rested.
Pick up responsibilities in other areas. Being unable to equally split nighttime parenting gives you a great opportunity to pick up parenting or household responsibilities in other areas. Parenting is never going to be an equal role, but we can strive for balance, equity, and sharing the load even if it’s in different areas.
Recognize that nighttime parenting is hard work. Don’t take for granted that you are sleeping relatively well while your partner is doing a lot of parenting overnight. Even if they are bedsharing and Breastsleeping, it’s still not the same thing as an uninterrupted night of sleep. Show you see and value that effort and be willing to step in to give your partner a break if asked. Sometimes, regardless of baby’s thoughts on the matter, a parent just needs a break.
Hopefully you find these tips helpful. If your family is still needing sleep support, please reach out to see if I can help.