Your bedtime routine questions, answered.

I get a lot of questions about bedtime routines. They are a popular and important part of supporting sleep, but there’s a lot of confusion around what’s helpful when it comes to a good bedtime routine.

Simply saying start a bedtime routine and do x, y, and z every night isn’t helpful. Children are unique and they don’t all respond to the same routine in the same way. I think it’s more helpful to understand the ideas behind a bedtime routine then to tell you a formula for one.

Here are a few of the most common bedtime routine questions I get.

When should I start a bedtime routine?

There is no magical age to start a bedtime routine. In the early weeks and months your main goals are getting to know your new baby, learning how to read their cues, and adjusting to being a parent. You do not need to start a bedtime routine in the early months.

You can start your bedtime routine whenever you feel ready. This should not be a stressful thing hanging over your head. If you haven’t started one by 6-months, that’s a really good time to start one. Older babies and toddlers really benefit from bedtime routines. It’s never too late, however, and you can start a routine with your toddler or preschooler.

How long should the bedtime routine be?

This really depends on your child’s age, their temperament, and their attention span. For young babies, it can be simple and short, maybe 10 minutes. You notice their tired cues and soothe them to sleep with a few short steps.

As babies get older, their bedtime routine should lengthen. For older babies and toddlers 20-30 minutes may work well. They will need more time to relax and be ready for sleep.

It’s also helpful to note that different people include different things in their bedtime routine times. I’m simply talking about the specific steps you take, not any calm down time before the routine or necessarily the time it takes for your little one to fall asleep. Including that would lengthen the above times.

What should go in a bedtime routine?

Again, this one varies based on your child’s age, their temperament, their attention span, and everyone’s preferences. The point of a bedtime routine is to relax your child for sleep. If an activity isn’t relaxing, then you should move the activity to a different time of day. A note here that bath time is the most common typical bedtime routine activity that I see mistimed in people’s evenings. If your child thinks of bath time as playtime, it’s not a good bedtime routine activity.

I recommend including 3-4 steps in your bedtime routine and doing them in the same order each night. You might consider massage, reading books, goodnight rituals, feeding, music, motion like rocking, a sleep story/meditation for an older toddler, or any other activity that makes sense for your family.

Does the bedtime routine have to be the same every time?

The more consistent you are with your bedtime routine the more effective it will work. It takes time for a new routine to become a familiar habit that our little one can associate with sleep. That being said, complete consistency isn’t necessary. Life happens. We should not feel so tied to our routines that we miss out on life. This is one of the many times as parents we need to balance consistency with flexibility. Too much inconsistency with your bedtime routine makes it less useful. Too much of a focus on absolute consistency is limiting. There will be days when you need to just go with the flow, and that’s ok.

Additionally, children are more adaptable than we give them credit. They can get used to the idea that one parent soothes them to sleep one way while their other parent does something else. So, if one parent regularly nurses to sleep, then the other parent or another caregiver could bottle feed, rock, or snuggle your child to sleep.

Sometimes the whole routine doesn’t work for multiple people. In that case, it’s helpful for each parent to have their own routine and to be consistent. Your child will know that mom does this while dad does that or grandma does something else completely. Having common elements may still be helpful.

Is there an ideal bedtime?

There isn’t an ideal bedtime, and bedtimes around the world vary greatly. In western countries we are obsessed with early bedtimes. In many other countries around the world, babies and young children stay up hours later. The best bedtime is one that works for your whole family. Some babies naturally tend towards an earlier or later bedtime. Some are easily nudged towards whatever works best for the whole family’s routines while others really need parents to accept what their body needs. How much sleep your child needs, the timing of naps, and when your child needs to be up in the morning also influences the best time for bedtime.

If you want help setting up a bedtime routine that works for your family, reach out. I can help.