Most parents I talk with want bedtime to be a peaceful, connected time they look forward to. They want their little one to fall asleep after a bedtime routine everyone enjoys. Sometimes bedtime comes, and that lovely shift from day to night becomes a bedtime struggle. When it happens enough times, it can feel like bedtime is a battle and there’s no clear path out of the pattern. They start dreading bedtime. When the days end like that, it can start to wear on your mental health.

Why is bedtime such a battle?

The end of the day is a difficult time. Your cope levels are generally low, and staying patient can be a challenge. You want to peacefully get your little  one to sleep and then possibly have a bit of time to get stuff done, connect with your partner, or just do something only for you. So when that isn’t happening, It’s understandable you might begin to dread bedtime, to dread that struggle that leaves everyone frustrated  and stressed.

Now there are many reasons people start dreading bedtime, feeling it is like a battle. Little ones fight sleep because of a whole range of factors . However, how you approach bedtime can make a huge difference in how it goes, and I’m not talking about the bedtime routine here.

You can lead the mood for bedtime.

Your emotions and mindset matter. They spill over into your little one and they begin to mirror it back to you. Focus on calm and connection and your child will pick up on that. Focus on the pressure to be done, the stress of the day, maybe even resentment that it’s taking so long…they will pick up on that energy as well.

Humans sleep better when they feel relaxed, safe, and secure. For your child this means feeling really connected to you. Sometimes the answer in shifting the bedtime pattern comes from you the parent shifting your mindset, shifting your emotions to show up to bedtime in a different way. This is often an overlooked factor in sleep struggles.

Five tips for managing your bedtime mindset

When bedtime is hard, long, and your little one fight sleep, gearing up for bedtime can be daunting. Try some of these tips to support you through the process.

1. Take care of your own needs before your little one’s bedtime routine.

   Get a drink, eat a snack/dinner, use the bathroom. It’s really hard to be calm and patient when your own needs aren’t met.

2. Take a few minutes to clear your head and re-center before the bedtime routine.

   Do a quick mindfulness exercise or step outside for a minute to take a few deep breaths. Part of your role at bedtime is coregulation. In order to do this, you need to feel calm and well regulated yourself.

3. Lower your expectations for what you are going to get done after your child is asleep.

   That can take the pressure off. Can you shift tasks to another time of day? Can you find other ways to get at least some couple or alone time that are not after bedtime? When there’s less of a feeling that your little one must go to sleep so that you can do x, y, or z, it’s easier to accept that bedtime will take the time it does.

4. Be aware of parent burn out.

   Sometimes it’s not about bedtime at all but a much larger need for support. We were not meant to parent on our own in nuclear families. Parents need their own support systems. It’s understandable that burnout would come to the forefront at the end of the day when you are just so done!

5. Give yourself permission for it not always to be you, assuming that’s an option.

   Help your little one be comfortable with both parents at bedtime. This can be a gradual process if you don’t think your baby is quite there yet. Sharing the bedtime load can help you step back and take a break. It can be overwhelming when you feel like it always has to be you and that process is just so hard.

Bedtime can be such a challenging time of day. If you want help shifting your bedtime from struggle to a time of connection let’s talk.