What is Attachment?
Attachment is the most fundamental human need, but what exactly is it?
Attachment is the emotional relationship between parent/caregiver and child. A secure attachment relationship provides a base for optimal development to unfold.
Before we go any further, it’s important to note that attachment refers to the relationship from the child’s perspective. The relationship from the parent’s perspective is important as it will affect how you parent, but there is a difference.
Secure attachment builds through sensitive, warm, responsive parenting. Gordon Neufeld, a Canadian developmental psychologist, talks about attachment being an invitation to exist in the presence of another. The quality of the attachment is the quality of that invitation to be with – Does your child feel safety, consistency, and warmth in that invitation? Do they feel safe enough to be their whole self, the messy as well as the good?
Decades of research show that a secure attachment is the foundation for life long mental and physical well-being. Attachment creates the blueprint for future relationships as well as creating a child’s sense of self and the world around them. Most of the things we want for our children when they are grown – healthy relationships, resiliency, independence – they all grow out of the foundation of attachment.
A secure attachment relationship teaches your baby:
They can trust in relationships.
They are loved unconditionally.
Their physical and emotional needs will be met.
They can count on you.
Their needs are valued.
Babies and young children are meant to be dependent on their adults. By meeting the need for closeness, connection, and emotional support, we build a strong attachment relationship and the foundation for future independence.
In case you are starting to feel a little anxious about the concept of being responsive and attuned all the time, let me reassure you that no one can do that. You don’t need to be perfect to build a secure attachment with your child! Even the most responsive, attuned parents miss cues or mess up. That’s ok. Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They just need you striving to be responsive as best you can, and reconnecting, repairing after a misstep just as you do in other relationships.
So how does the attachment relationship unfold given the right conditions?
First let’s circle back to attachment being the most fundamental human need. Children need to feel connected to their primary caregivers. The most fundamental threat to a child is separation, so we need to understand how to maintain closeness while apart and how to reconnect when together.
Based on Gordon Neufeld’s developmental and relational model of attachment, attachment unfolds in 6 sequential stages. If conditions are conducive , a child will go through these 6 stages in the first 6 years of their life. Each stage builds on the previous stages.
Neufeld’s 6 stages of attachment:
1. Proximity – 0-12 months
Babies attach through the senses. They rely on touch, taste, smell, hearing, and seeing to connect and feel close to their parent. Sensory proximity both orients and regulates a young baby. Their temperature, heart rate, breathing, and stress levels are all regulated by being physically close to their parent. This is why skin to skin, holding, babywearing, and cosleeping are such powerful tools. '
2. Sameness or being like – 12-24 months
As young toddlers become more independent in their movement, they spend less time in physical contact with parents. Now they can walk and run off creating physical separation. They need another way to stay close – and the need to be like emerges. This is a time of imitation and wanting to be the same as their parent or caregiver. Young toddlers may still need that physical connection of the senses to connect, but they are able to connect through an additional level that allows for a bit more separation.
3. Belonging or Loyalty- 2-3 years
As toddlers grow and develop, they are more aware of differences between people. As they grow into their own individuality more, their need for sameness grows in to the need to belong. You’ll start hearing things like my…. “my mom” or “my toy”, and also a sense of loyalty to their family and key caregivers.
4. Significance – 3-4 years
In this stage, children need to feel special to you. While their ability for separation is increasing, their need to feel significant and be the most special to you is high. Their growing independence is balanced out by their strong need to feel special and connected to you. Reconnection rituals are a great way to reconnect after separation and help children feel special.
5. Love – 4-5 years
This is a stage of deepening love, emotional intimacy, and your child giving their heart to you. Children in this stage need to feel your love is unconditional and trust that they don’t have to earn it. Your child may draw hearts, focus on kisses, and even say they want to marry you – it’s all part of this deeper sense of love. It’s essential that our actions and how we interact with our child reflects the love we have for them. They really crave feeling it in how we parent.
6. Being Known – 5-6 years
Children need to feel seen, heard, and known. This is a stage of psychological intimacy – not just that they are loved, but that they are truly understood. Children want parents and important people in their life to remember what they do and don’t like. What makes them happy. What things make them sad, scared, or upset. They appreciate you showing interest in their interests. Basically, they want what every adult wants – to be accepted, loved, and deeply understood for who they are.
Knowing where you child is in their attachment development can help you help them feel connected to you in the way they most need. It can also give you context for their behavior and guide you to select strategies that match their underlying needs. In a world that pushes separation, punishment, and disconnection as the answer to all challenges, A roadmap of connection focused, attachment-based strategies can be valuable. When in doubt, if you can come back to the concepts of connection and relationship, you won’t go wrong.
Want to build your attachment-based, responsive parenting tools for your baby or toddler? Check out the Intuitive Parenting Community – a space to build your responsive tools, get truly responsive support and guidance, and connect with like-minded parents.
In the community we support you where you are right now and help you prepare for what’s next. With over 35 parenting topics available to watch and learn right away after joining and topics being added monthly it’s a great place to support yourself as you journey through parenting.