Preparing for a new baby and still struggling with sleep?
Whether you are thinking about another baby or already pregnant, it’s normal to have a lot of worries about how you’ll manage sleep with a newborn and your older child. If your child is still a challenging sleeper, it can add additional stress. In my work with parents, I hear a lot of the same questions and concerns.
“How will I manage a newborn with my toddler still sleeping like this?”
“How can I meet both kids needs and still function?”
“When should I make changes?”
“What can we expect once the new baby is hear?”
There’s not one right way to prepare for a new baby
The first thing to keep in mind is that there are no rules. There’s not one right way to move through this change. You may want to consider your child’s temperament and readiness for change. You may want to think about what parts of your current sleep routines feels unsustainable with another baby, and what feels manageable. Below are some things to keep in mind as you prepare.
1. Make big changes well ahead of the birth.
If you know you want to make changes to sleep – stop bedsharing, move a little one to their own room, night wean, have both parents able to do bedtime – starting earlier in pregnancy gives them lots of time to adjust. A new sibling is a big change on its own. Creating some space around the birth where you try to minimize other big changes can be really helpful. I recommend making changes during the first or second trimester when possible. If your baby is hear, I recommend waiting at least 3 months before making any big changes, possibly more depending on how your older child is coping with the new sibling.
2. If you are nursing, make sure to have other well-established sleep soothing tools in case you need to wean.
Whether you plan to tandem nurse or just want to see how things go, your body and child can sometimes have other plans. During pregnancy many parents experience a significant drop in supply due to pregnancy hormones. Nursing aversion is also really common. Because of these changes, your child may wean or you may decide weaning is best. Making sure you have other well established sleep soothing tools already in use can help that transition, regardless if its parent or child led. Think about other ways to soothe that you can do right along side nursing – singing, humming, playing music, rubbing their back/patting their butt/stroking their head. Loveys can be nice for toddlers. If you have a little one already comfortable with other tools while they are still nursing, you can draw from that comfort to support the change. Even if you don’t need to make changes to nursing, those tools are still comforting around sleep.
3. Expect your older child to need additional support and reassurance once the new baby is here.
Adding a new baby to your family can feel like your older child is losing a piece of their parents. It’s really common for your older child to act out, be more clingy, act like a baby, and just generally need a whole lot more emotional support. This is a time to step up your support, not a time to expect them to take steps towards more independence. This is true around the clock, not just limited to sleep times. Leaning into their needs in a way that feels sustainable will provide a better foundation for your relationship with your older child and their relationship with their sibling. It’s worth the investment.
4. Help your older child be comfortable with both parents supporting bedtime or overnight wakes.
If your child has a strong parent preference around sleep (especially if it’s the pregnant parent), it can help to gently encourage more equal parent participation in both sleep and soothing. There are a few different ways to support this – through bedtime, handling some of the wakes, and also increasing one-on-one time between your little one and their parent.
For bedtime, you can work on both parents doing bedtime together, or have the parent not currently doing bedtime take it over a few times a week. This may be messy at first, but over time they will find their own rhythm. Sometimes having the preferred bedtime parent leave the house at bedtime for a bit can make this process easier. You can read more bedtime tips from my blog earlier this month.
Overnight, you can have the non-preferred nighttime parent handle the easiest wake ups to prepare them for when their preferred parent may be nursing the new baby or simply unable to manage being the main nighttime parent for 2 littles.
If you feel that one parent doesn’t get much one-on-one time with your child, making sure to encourage this time to be together can be a great way to help support these sleep shifts.
And just a note here that it is really normal for babies and toddlers to have a preferred parent. It’s not a reflection of the other parents relationship or parenting. It’s simply something most babies and toddlers go through. And sometimes that preference shifts over time – so while it’s common for the preferred parent to be the nursing parent, it’s also common for this preference to shift or even out as they grow.
5. It can be helpful to divide and conquer to a certain extent, but it’s also good to try and have both parents support sleep with both children at least some of the time.
If your older child still needs a lot of support around sleep when your new baby arrives, it can be helpful to primarily divide and conquer nighttime parenting at least in the early months. Be mindful, however, not to go too far with this strategy. It’s really important that both your older child and new baby get quality time with both parents each day.
More on sleep expectations
For more context on developmentally appropriate sleep expectations, head to my guide on sleep expectations by age.