Transitioning away from bedsharing
What does an intentional end to bedsharing look like? How do you set yourself up for success moving forward? It can be challenging transitioning away from bedsharing without a clear idea of what the journey might look like. Generally you just hear a lot of worst case scenarios and bedsharing blame.
There isn’t one right way or time to stop bedsharing
The short answer is that there isn’t one right way or time to stop bedsharing, and there are many ways to navigate the transition. Most of the strategies that created a good context for sleep while bedsharing – your routines, rhythms, and responsive support - will stay the same, just with a different sleep set up. The end of bedsharing doesn’t mean that your child will magically fall asleep independently and sleep through. That is a different journey requiring different supports assuming your little one is even close to that point.
When should you stop bedsharing?
Check in with your emotions.
The end of bedsharing can come with mixed emotions. From readiness to sadness, reluctance to a bit of guilt for nudging them, excitement to relief, you may be very ready for the change while also not wanting it to be over. It’s all normal! Relishing the intense needs of the early years while also resenting the intense needs of the early years is common. Honor whatever emotions you are feeling through this big step in separation. Find ways to sit with those emotions rather than ignoring them.
What sleep set up do you move to next?
There are so many sleep set ups that are possible, and you might move through several variations over time.
A floor bed in parents’ room.
A floor bed in the child’s room.
A crib in the parents room.
A crib sidecarred to the parents bed.
A crib in the child’s room.
A toddler bed in either room.
There are so many options! Choose the one that makes the most sense based on your child’s current needs. Just like bedsharing wasn’t forever, this next step isn’t forever. Some families will move in and out of bedsharing several times over the early years.
How to stop bedsharing?
Some families want to stop bedsharing all at once, while others will partially bedshare for a long time. Here are a few options:
Start your child out in their own sleep space at bedtime, and bring them into your bed when you come to bed or when they get more difficult to resettle. You can slowly expand the time you resettle them back in their sleep space.
Jump right in to having your child sleep in their room, but plan to spend a couple weeks sleeping in their room with them. This is most comfortable if you’ve set up a floor bed although some parents have success with their child in a crib and them sleeping close but separate.
And of course you can move them to their room, continue sleeping in yours, and respond when they wake. If your child is still waking more than a couple of times a night this can really take it’s tole however. If your child is generally sleeping well and a more laid back temperament this might be an easy step.
What to do if your little one is too touch-focused to go for any of these options without a lot of stress?
If your little one is always right up against you, and you struggle to get up at all after they are asleep, you have other things to work on first. You can intentionally help them get used to a bit more space between you and work on getting up but staying close once you have. You may also need to let some time pass to see if their intense need for touch eases, giving you an opening for a nudge towards some more independence.
Don’t expect the end of bedsharing to fix everything sleep related.
Some children will reach a point where they sleep better in their own space. Some children will reach a point where separate sleep does not make their sleep worse. Some parents will struggle enough with bedsharing that it doesn’t matter if their child wakes a bit more in their own sleep space. Be mindful, however, that you aren’t expecting the end of bedsharing to be a magical fix to your sleep situation. Bedsharing is not the primary reason most children wake, and separate sleeping isn’t always the fix.
Once your comfortable with your path away from bedsharing and your new sleep set up, give every one a few weeks to settle in. At that point, you can assess how your child is sleeping. If it doesn’t feel sustainable, it may be time for a look at what else may support them better. It’s important that your routines, rhythms, and environment all support sleep no matter the set up. If you want your child to settle to sleep more independently, that will likely take additional responsive strategies. Checking in with your goals when you are ready to stop bedsharing and then after the transition will help you know where to focus your energy.
Don’t let bedsharing be a scapegoat.
Some children are more challenging sleepers for longer. Our culture encourages us to blame responsive strategies like bedsharing, nursing to sleep, responding to nighttime needs. While bedsharing may stop working for your family, it doesn’t help to blame it for on-going sleep struggles. There are so many factors that contribute to how your child sleeps. Your sleep set up is only one.
If you want help navigating this transition or supporting sleep after the transition, reach out and let’s talk!