In an ideal world, parents talk through major parenting decisions and values ahead of baby’s arrival. However, we don’t live in an ideal world. It’s hard to know all the things you should discuss, and even when you do, it’s hard to know how you’ll feel once baby is here. The reality of your emotions and experiences can be hard to predict.

This can lead to you and your partner discovering that you have very different views about how to support sleep in your family. It may come out of nowhere, either because you were on the same page when you discussed sleep during pregnancy or because it never occurred to you that sleep was a topic you needed to discuss.

This is a common struggle. Most of us have no idea what the reality of infant and toddler sleep is like. We aren’t part of the day to day ins and outs of parenting in the early years until becoming a parent. This leaves a lot of parents unprepared for their baby’s sleep, especially those with sensitive or higher needs children. Combine that with the unrealistic expectations our culture holds when it comes to sleep, and you have a lot of struggles and mismatched expectations.

Ideally, you support sleep in a way that both parents are comfortable with. However, realizing you don’t agree about sleep can leave you wondering what now. I hope this post will give you some ideas for moving through this struggle.

Communication: Communication is key.

When you realize you have different ideas about supporting sleep, the first step is to have an open, respectful conversation. Find a time when you are both reasonably well rested, calm, and can focus on a conversation. Maybe this means during a walk while baby naps on the go or maybe it means asking a trusted person to watch baby for a few hours.

Try to use I statements, describing your beliefs, expectations, and experiences. Allow your partner to do the same, regardless of whether you agree with their perspective. It may be helpful to discuss some of these questions, and even to reflect on them ahead of talking. Consider taking turns, letting one partner answer the questions completely and then the other.

• What does each parent think about the current sleep situation?

• What do you feel is working well when it comes to sleep?

• What are your concerns about sleep?

• What are you afraid might happen if we don’t do things your way?

• What do you believe your child’s sleep should look like at this point?

• Where do these expectations come from? Really dig deep here and reflect.

• What next steps are you hoping for?

• Are there alternatives that could meet your concerns?

Try to listen to understand your partner’s perspective. Don’t try and change their mind. Don’t listen to plan your response or counterargument, just listen to really understand. It can be helpful to reflect back what you hear them say. Example: “I hear that you are concerned about how frequently our baby is waking and you think they should be sleeping through the night. You are concerned that I’m not getting enough sleep, you aren’t able to help resettle, and we never have time together.” Understanding each other is important to move forward respectfully, and it’s essential before trying to discuss solutions.

Identifying your values

We all bring our own expectations and baggage to parenting. Some come from how we were raised, others from what we see around us, and others from the information we surround ourselves with. The decisions we make as parents reflect expectations and values we have, intentionally or unintentionally. Many parents don’t think about sleep in terms of parenting values. However, sleep is a big part of parenting in the early years. These are some of the first decisions you make that emphasize separation or connection. Situating your sleep parenting choices in terms of your over-all parenting values allows you to ignore strategies and approaches that simply don’t fit into the core ideas that you want to shape your parenting.

If you haven’t reflected on your parenting values and values around sleep, here are a few questions to get you thinking. This is not a comprehensive values exercise, just a start.

• What are your key values when it comes to parenting? Or another way to think of it – what

  values do you want to embody in your parenting?

• If your grown child could remember how they felt around sleep as a baby or toddler, what do

  you hope they’d remember?

• What do you believe is important for a healthy relationship with sleep?

Developmental norms

Once you understand each other’s perspectives and have spent time discussing your values, it can help to check your expectations against evidence-based, developmental norms. It’s very common for parents of young children to have unrealistic expectations for sleep. Our culture perpetuates a lot of ideas around baby sleep that set parents up for these unrealistic expectations. I encourage you to check out my well cited blog post on developmental expectations to help ground this discussion. Briefly, it’s normal for babies and toddlers to wake and need support around sleep. Fears that these are not normal often drive many sleep struggles.

• Developmental Expectations

Brainstorm strategies for areas of concern and struggle.

It’s common for parents to feel there is only one answer to sleep struggles, and that answer is some form of cry it out. However, there are many answers. Some of those answers will focus on baby sleep and some will focus on parent coping and support. Really think about the why behind your concerns and brainstorm all the different ways you can meet the underlying concern. Once you have a list you can discuss what options are worth exploring versus ones you are completely uncomfortable with. You may need more information on some options to decide, and that’s ok as well. Areas to think about may include:

• Different sleep set-ups

• More responsive strategies for making changes

• A more holistic, multifactorial look at sleep

• Alternative ways to support parent sleep (without expecting unrealistic sleep from baby)

• Strategies to help supporting sleep as a team (rather than only one parent doing it all)

• Ways to simplify, drop, and outsource other responsibilities'

• Ways to connect as a couple that don’t rely on specific sleep patterns

• Redefine the timeline for sleep goals to both recognize their importance and allow for a more realistic approach for your child

• And so many more

Coming together as a team

If one parent wants to sleep train and the other parent says that’s completely off the table, the answer can’t be sleep training. However, understanding the why behind each position allows you to honor your partners concerns and motivations for their perspective. Feeling heard, understood, and as though your perspective matters really makes a difference. If you focus on understanding your partner’s concerns and thinking outside the box, you may be surprised with the solutions you come up with. It may not look like you thought it would, but you may find there are many ways to come together to support sleep even when you started with very different perspectives.

Want help finding these solutions? Let’s talk in a free intro call.