What to say to bad sleep advice
Everyone loves to share their opinions when it comes to parenting around sleep. Whether you ask for their input or not, you get a lot of advice. So, what do you say when the advice is unwanted or at odds with your parenting approach?
Supporting other parents
First off, I want to say that sharing between parents is an amazing source of knowledge. Throughout human history, we learned about parenting across generations and from our peers. Hearing how another family navigated a challenging situation can bring new ideas and help you feel less alone. Sharing information usually works best when you approach it remembering that:
You are sharing what worked for your family.
Every family is different.
Parents are the expert on their family and usually know if a new approach will be worth a try or not.
Take what works and leave the rest.
Someone sharing a different way of handling a situation isn’t an attack on how you handled it.
Sometimes parents just need to vent without solutions. Support can look like listening, validation, and the knowledge that they aren’t alone. If a parent wants advice, we’ll generally ask for it. If you aren’t sure, ask. “Would you like some suggestions or do you just need to vent?”
So, what about bad or unwanted sleep advice?
Constantly being offered unwanted advice is exhausting! Being surrounded by opinions that don’t match your parenting values can undermine your confidence, make you doubt yourself, and leave you feeling alone. It’s hard to be the only parent who parents responsively.
Because everyone loves to share their thoughts on sleep, inevitably you will face unwanted sleep advice. Being prepared with how to respond can be helpful. Most people mean well, even if the impact of that well-meaning advice is a negative one for you.
Here are a few ideas of ways to respond to bad sleep advice:
A simple “thank you for sharing your thoughts/experience.” Followed by a “we are doing what works for us” if the person persists.
Educate them. Especially if the advice is clearly outdated, you can share how the research has changed or why you are making the choices you are.
Since every baby is different, something along the lines of “I can see how that worked for you, but I don’t think that would work for our baby.”
In response to advice and questions around sleeping through the night, a simple and true “they sleep like a baby.” Or “actually no one sleeps through the night.”
Don’t share information. Everyone is not entitled to know all the details of your family’s sleeping arrangements. Knowing who to share with and who to not can be helpful.
When other people define something as a problem when it isn’t you can simply say “it’s not a problem for us.”
Call them on their unwanted advice. “I wasn’t looking for input but thank you.”
If a person persists in bringing up a topic and expressing their views, it can be time for a firm boundary. “I don’t want to continue discussing this with you. I appreciate your care, but we have different views.”
Sometimes just smile and nod is the best approach.
For people you are around a lot, sharing knowledge in an excited, positive way at times when they aren’t trying to give advice can help them better understand your choices. Separating the new information from the advice can help it feel like less of a criticism.
If advice is coming from your parents or grandparents, it’s possible that they likely don’t remember accurately how you/their child slept as a baby. It was a long time ago, and it’s easy to remember you sleeping better than you did.
There are so many ways to respond to unwanted or bad advice. Whether you educate, kindly listen, or gently (or not so gently) push back will depend on your personality and who is giving advice. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and they aren’t entitled to answers on every question they ask.
Surrounding yourself with like minded parents can go a long way to building up your confidence and as a bonus, it gets you good sources of advice for when you need it.