In the almost 9 years since my oldest was born, the sleep coaching world has expanded greatly. There are so many more sleep consultants and so many different approaches. While more choice is wonderful for parents looking to find support that really matches their parenting values, it can be confusing to navigate the different approaches beneath the marketing and determine if a sleep coach is the right fit.

Understanding the world of sleep support and coaching

It’s not just about cry it out verses responsive. There’s a whole spectrum of levels of support, amount of individualized support, training received by the sleep coach, and strategies used. To make it more confusing, not everyone agrees on the definitions of sleep training, gentle, responsive, holistic sleep support, or any number of words used to describe an approach.

If you are talking to me or any other sleep coach, and especially if you are talking to several sleep coaches, I encourage you to ask specific questions to really understand what working with them will be like. It’s also important to decide what kind of support you want and if you have any deal breakers in the style of that support. Ultimately, your goal should be developmentally appropriate sleep.

Questions to ask yourself about a potential sleep approach or coach:

• What are your parenting values? How do they guide your parenting around sleep?

• How fast are you hoping for a change to occur?

• Are there any strategies you know you are not comfortable with?

• Are there things you know you do not want to change about your family’s sleep situation?

• How much contact with your sleep coach do you want?

• Do you want more of a collaborative or directive approach?

Consider asking sleep coaches some of these questions:

• What is your general approach to my sleep situation?

• What happens if the approach we take isn’t working?

• What will you suggest if I’m uncomfortable with how my baby is reacting to the process?

• Will my baby cry and if I’m uncomfortable with their crying what do you suggest I do?

• Will we change everything at once?

• What are your thoughts on eliminating night feeds?

• Do I have to change how my baby falls asleep?

• Are you comfortable working with bedsharing families who do not want to stop?

• What does a responsive strategy mean to you?

• Will you ever ask me to ignore or leave my baby to cry under any circumstances?

How to decide between sleep solutions and approaches

Another thing I sometimes suggest to parents who feel torn between approaches is to think about how you’d feel if your chosen strategy doesn’t work. Will you look back and feel ok about what you tried? Or are you doing something you don’t feel comfortable with in the name of guaranteed sleep success. No approach or strategy works all the time, not even cry it out. It’s good to remember that what feels worth pushing through in the name of better sleep might not feel worth it if that better sleep never comes.

Are there guarantees when working with a sleep coach?

Occasionally I have parents ask me if I have any guarantees around sleep outcomes. I understand the thought process behind this question, and I know some professionals do offer guarantees. In my experience, that’s a sign that they’ll use any strategy to try and meet your sleep goals, regardless of what their marketing says about responsiveness.

I do not offer guarantees for several reasons. The most important is that we are working with tiny humans who have their own unique needs and capabilities. While I try and help parents set realistic goals, not all littles have the same ability for consolidated sleep or independence, and sometimes we don’t know where their limit is until we are deep into working together. I’ll never ask you to switch to an unresponsive strategy to override your child’s needs and that means sometimes pivoting our approach or our goal.

Another reason is that I can only do so much. Not only is every baby or toddler different, but parents have different abilities to follow through, be consistent, and guide change. I try to hold you accountable, support you, and adjust our approach to best meet your family’s needs. Ultimately though, you are the one in your home with your little one.

I see a sleep coach as more similar to a counselor, physical therapist, or occupational therapist.

Parents pay us for our knowledge, experience, time, and support. We are not in control of the final outcome. We are guiding and supporting you through the process.

There are a lot of approaches to sleep support available. I hope this post gives you some ideas about how to make sure you are picking someone who’s approach matches your needs. Sleep coaches are able to be more effective when it’s a good fit in terms of values, goals, and style of support.

If you are looking for a responsive, developmental, and collaborative sleep specialist, I’d love to talk about how I can help.