We live in a sleep training culture. There’s no doubt about it. Sleep training is the number 1 thing recommended to parents of infants and toddlers to both preventively tackle sleep or in response to sleep struggles. It is so much the default that many parents don’t even know that there are other ways to support sleep.

Not all parents sleep train, however. Some parents know that it isn’t the right choice for their family. Maybe they know this from a place of research and information or maybe they know this from listening to their parenting instincts. Often times they make the choice surrounded by pressure to take the mainstream path and sleep train. When you are feeling pressure to sleep train by family and friends, here are some things you can do.

So, what happens when you know you do not want to sleep train, but you are feeling pressured to do it?

Consider these ideas to help build your confidence and arm you with knowledge to push back.

1.       Know that sleep training is a historical and cultural construct.

We didn’t sleep train throughout most of human history and across most cultures. It’s purely a modern, western concept that was never based on child development or science. When you know that sleep training isn’t the way most families managed, you can feel confident that choosing another path won’t undermine your baby’s sleep. In fact, you are choosing to parent around sleep in a way that most babies throughout history and around the world are nurtured. You can read more about the history of sleep training here.

2.       Understand developmentally normal sleep.

Waking and feeding at night, being supported to fall asleep, contact sleep, these are all developmentally normal things. Normal baby sleep is messy. It ebbs and flows. It constantly changes. Your baby’s sleep patterns are intertwined with their development, and periods of rapid development often mean periods of more disrupted sleep. When you understand normal sleep patterns and behavior it’s easier to ignore the fear-based messaging that often accompanies sleep training. Check out this post for an overview of developmental sleep norms.

3.       Sleep matures on its own timeline. 

One day your child will fall asleep independently and sleep through the night without your support. You don’t need to push them to do it when they aren’t developmentally ready. Supporting sleep as it unfolds in a nurturing, responsive way does not undermine this process. It actually supports it better in the long term. Know that your child will get there in their own time.

4.       Understand the value in responsive parenting.

These early years are a sensitive time in development. How you parent shapes how your child’s brain wires, laying the foundation for their long term socioemotional, mental, and physical health. Parenting responsively builds a more resilient and independent child as they grow into adulthood. Parenting responsively helps your little one feel safe and secure around sleep setting them up for a healthy relationship with sleep throughout their life. Responsiveness around sleep does not cause more waking or keep your little one from becoming independent. These ideas might be popular, but they aren’t in line with development.

5.       Be mindful of who you discuss your sleep choices with.

Hearing constant negative comments on your parenting choices is exhausting. If someone isn’t supportive, it can sometimes be better to stop sharing your sleep situation with them. Everyone isn’t entitled to all the details of how you parent, especially if their comments make you feel bad.

6.       Surround yourself with parents who share your parenting values.

All parents need a parenting support system that shares their values. Hearing from other parents struggling with similar things who are looking for similar types of tools and coping strategies makes a huge difference in your confidence. Knowing that you won’t be told your child’s sleep is your fault and you just need to sleep train means that you can really feel seen, heard, and validated. Parenting is hard. Parenting against the mainstream is hard. Finding your parenting community where responsive parenting is the norm makes it all just a bit easier. If you are looking for this kind of space, check out my responsive, early parenting community and sign up for the waitlist to be notified when membership opens.

7.       Know that there are responsive ways to improve sleep if your situation feels unsustainable.

Choosing not to sleep train does not mean you have to wait it out if sleep is very difficult. This idea that it’s sleep train or do nothing hurts parents. There are responsive, gentle ways to optimize sleep and help your family cope better. You can read more about what this means here.

Do what works for your family.

We can’t change the fact that we live in a sleep training culture, but you can build your confidence in your responsive parenting, supporting developmentally normal sleep path. The more confidence you have, the more you can trust your intuition, the easier it is to simply ignore the sleep training pressure. You can simply say “we are doing what works for our family.”