Older baby and young toddler sleep is a dynamic time with many developmental changes that can affect sleep. One of these phases that can make sleep more of a challenge is separation anxiety. Understanding separation anxiety, sleep, and ways to support your little one through it can make this phase less of a struggle.

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is part of the normal development of object permanence, understanding that an object or person not seen still exists. This new awareness can add stress to separation for older babies and toddlers.

Additionally, separation anxiety begins to peak around 8-9 months (continuing into toddlerhood) just when many babies are getting more mobile through crawling and then later walking. Separation anxiety is an evolutionarily adaptive phase that helps keep your little one in proximity to their primary caregivers. If you think about it a baby who crawls off with no sense of concern was a baby at higher risk throughout most of human history.

What are some signs of separation anxiety?

Suddenly, your baby is more upset when you leave the room or even move further away from them. They may seem more clingy and less comfortable in new situations. They may struggle to go to other caregivers even if they know them. They may begin having new sleep struggles particularly if they sleep separate from you. If you have an older baby or young toddler struggling with these things separation anxiety is likely the culprit.

How can you help your little one through separation anxiety?

The first thing to remember is you can’t force your little one through this phase faster than they are ready. This is a normal and healthy part of development. You can, however, support them through it with your actions. Try these ideas with your older baby or toddler.

1. Always acknowledge when you are leaving your little one. Whether it’s stepping out of the room or leaving the house make sure they know. Sneaking off to avoid emotional upset will just encourage your child to be more hypervigilant about where you are. You want to build trust with them that they know when you are leaving and that you return.

2. Leave them with familiar people. When separation anxiety is at its peak even familiar caregivers can bring separation anxiety out. Choosing people your little one knows will help them feel more comfortable even if there’s upset when you leave.

3. Don’t prolong your goodbyes. This is one I actually learned from my son’s first preschool teacher, but it applies well to this older baby and toddler age range as well. Say goodbye and leave. Overly prolonged goodbyes generally upset your little one more than they help them. Try and have a short goodbye ritual and make sure your child has their caregiver ready to help them focus on something fun or support their upset if it comes.

4. Use play to support the concept of object permanence. Play is how our children learn. There are so many fun ways to reinforce object permanence and support separation anxiety. A shout out to one of my sleep mentors Lyndsey Hookway that got me really connecting play here. Consider reading flap books, playing peekaboo, hiding toys beneath a scarf or blanket, playing silly games where you pop in and out of the room making faces to turn you being out of site for a second into something silly.

So, what does all this have to do with sleep?

Many other developmental milestones may be contributing to your little one’s sleep as an older baby or young toddler, but separation anxiety is a strong contender for at least being a piece of the puzzle. The more we can support separation anxiety in healthy ways, the more likely it is that it will ease up some. Think of this as a time to practice building trust, honoring your little one’s cues, and practice supporting emotions. If separation anxiety is strong, that’s a sign to focus on connection and tools that work, not the time to work on increased separation or independence. Let the wave of separation anxiety ebb some before you try new things with sleep.

Remember that sleep is a time of separation. Focusing on connection, supporting separation anxiety, and recognizing that this is a normal developmental phase will help you through this time with less stress and better sleep.