What to Consider When Making a Parent Led Change to Sleep
Parents drawn to a responsive approach to sleep support often feel strongly about centering their baby or toddler’s needs. On one hand, this is a great way to think about your sleep priorities. On the other hand, if your current sleep situation is truly not working for you, a parent led change may be the best choice for the whole family. While the child is the most vulnerable and least mature member of the family, a parent needs matter as well. Sleep and parenting are all about balance.
In my work, I see a lot of parents get stuck. They know what they are doing isn’t working, but also feel guilty at the thought of prioritizing their own needs. It’s understandable to have conflicting emotions especially when the sleep options are so black and white, sleep train or do nothing. It can be challenging to picture what that alternative path looks like or if it’s possible to make a change in a responsive, gentle way.
Supporting sleep in a developmental and attachment focused way can coexist with parent led changes to sleep. It’s all about the approach and how you look for solutions.
If you are struggling with this decision, these 10 questions may help you think through your goals and strategies.
What is the goal, and is that goal realistic for my child’s age, developmental phase, and temperament? To really answer this you need to ground yourself in who your child is and expectations based in developmental norms. It can also be helpful to think about your goal, and then ask yourself why. Finding the why behind the goal can open up new options.
Does this strategy make sense given my child’s temperament? No strategy makes sense for all children, even responsive strategies. Think about your child and how they react to change and then think about the strategies you may use.
How ready are they for this change? If you have a baby that will only sleep on top of you, a goal to sleep independently in their crib is several steps in the future. Focus on the first step you think they are ready for and go from there.
How does this intervention work to improve sleep? Examining the why behind the strategy can give you a lot of insight. How does it match up with biology, sleep hygiene, and a child’s need for connection and coregulation? Is it asking for skills that aren’t developed yet like self-soothing?
Is this strategy I’m considering in line with my parenting values? Whenever possible picking strategies that match your values will help you feel more confident and good about making a change. Think about your parenting values broadly speaking, and also how do you want your child to feel associated with sleep. This is part of forming their relationship with sleep.
Is this a kind way to treat another human? We have such a double standard around how we treat young children. We treat them in ways we’d never consider acceptable to treat another adult. Respect, kindness, and connection are essential for all humans – let’s not forget this when it comes to babies and toddlers.
Am I feeling external pressure to make this change, or is it something I truly want to do? Being pressured into changes does not feel good, especially if you are pressured into strategies you aren’t comfortable with. Reflect on whether the desire for change is truly coming from you before moving forward.
Are there alternatives to this approach? There are so many strategies and also creative solutions. Whether it’s considering other tools or thinking about other solutions to meet your needs, know that you have options.
What will happen if I don’t make this change? There’s a lot of fear based messaging around sleep and that leads to a lot of pressure. There’s no window of opportunity to make changes. While there may be factors unique to your family, reflecting on the option to do nothing can be helpful.
What does my heart, intuition, or instincts say? If something feels wrong, it is wrong for your family. Trust that and look for alternatives. When you approach changes with thoughtful reflection and informed decision making, you are able to make the right choices for your family. There are almost always alternative ways to think through a situation. The most obvious solutions aren’t always the best ones. When you are in the middle of it all, sometimes an objective and knowledgeable outside perspective can help you find clarity. There’s never only one solution!